OK, we can go over this again. No, no, that’s fine. I’m sure⠀
it will sink in the eighth time. Peanut butter. Peanut butter is what I want.⠀
Not almond butter, not cashew butter, but peanut butter. I’ve been very patient⠀
about all this. The first few times you had the groceries delivered, you just⠀
forgot. That’s fine. Then the cashew butter. Not really sure how to comment on⠀
that. Then somehow you procured an empty jar of peanut butter—let’s just admit⠀
that was odd and a bit of a dick move. But next time you order groceries, I⠀
know you’re going to get it.⠀

Or I will pee all over your new rug. ⠀

(Michael) Photo by Ash Goldsbrough on Unsplash

Bubbles and baubles and blubbles. That’s what makes my life complete. What’s more, they are very low-calorie so I don’t have to worry about having to pretend I just have extra floofy fur. Did you know that bubbles are 98% air? And the rest is actually soap, making them great to fight COVID if you just rub them on your paws for 20 seconds.

Photo by Noah Austin on Unsplash

Sometimes you just need a break. You just feel like dragging your umbrella to the top of a mountain and laying in the shade. Well, I guess I'm in the sun but I do still have my umbrella.⠀

Photo by Robson Hatsukami Morgan on Unsplash

Not sure why these new humans changed my name to Boomer, but I think I like it. ⠀
⠀
Could be the sonic snap I leave behind after darting out to catch boy human's whirling disc. Or the deep sound of my voice echoing through the moonlit valley to keep the nearby enemies from encircling our new house home. Or the smack of my chops after after girl human drops all those meat pebbles into my Boomer bowl and I whip my head back up not five seconds later to see if there's more. (There's not usually, but that's all right, I know where they keep 'em.) Or maybe it's just my giant dumps?⠀

Regardless of the reason, the name's growing on me. Muuuch better than Pringles. (Chris Principe)⠀

Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

C'mon, you know you love my coat and the way my tongue hangs out.⠀

It's true that I mistakenly piddled on the floor last night, and I don't feel too good about it.⠀

But I'm the same dog that licks your face when you get home from work, and I do try to be a good boye.⠀

For now, can we just focus on my coat and my tongue?⠀

Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash

My agent says this is it. This is the shoot that will put me over the top and get global attention. I had to do some things I wasn't really comfortable with--I had to get wet, and look into the sun--but that's the price of fame, right? Soon, everyone will be wearing one of these couture collars because of me. (Michael)⠀
⠀
Photo by Succurrere on Unsplash

Look, I'm simple. A ball, some food, and I'm good. No ball? I'll take a plastic bottle.⠀
⠀
Some dogs feel like they have to show off. But even the most insightful dog philosopher still just says "woof," at the end of the day.⠀
⠀
I don't philosophize. I can't even talk, which makes me wonder how you're writing this down. I'm a dog. (Michael)⠀

Oh, I didn't see you there. I was just applying Giorgio Agamben's concept of bare life to dogs--I call it Canis Sacer.

Would it be too postmodern of me to ask you for a dog treat from 17th century France, delivered in a plastic bowl in the shape of a fire hydrant?⠀

Look, any idiot is gonna agree that Descartes' ontological argument for the existence of dog is prima facie ridonkulous. He stole it from St. Anselm, anyhoo.⠀

The last person I told about this theory just rolled his eyes and said, "OK, Bjumr." Such a prole. (Michael) Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

I can herd that. Last week some cattle got loose from Butch's farm. I took it upon myself to herd them back into the pen. Then on Tuesday I herded two sheep. It was a piece of cake. See those schoolchildren over there? Herded them. Group of nursing home residents on an outing? Herded. I can even herd my own kind. That poodle and the lab mix? Herded away from my food. Oh, and what's that? You're asking about those cats over there? Uh, let's talk about something else. (Michael, inspired by Portlandia)⠀
⠀
Photo by Josh Hild on Unsplash

It's delicate. I don't want them all--some of them contain chemicals or materials that I don't want entering my system. I only want a few of these delicious baubles of water. That one I just caught was magnifique. But that one--lots of plastic microparticles. I have a discerning palate, and I don't just lap it up willy-nilly like some of my unrefined brethren. It's a process. (Michael)⠀

Photo by Fachy Marín on Unsplash

At 35, you said we're going to get treats. At 36, you clarified that they would be yummy. Then 37 came along and you reiterated the treat promise. At 38, I started to doubt this whole situation. So 39 is it. This is my Waterloo. I shall not move from this spot until a treat has been delivered directly to my mouth. (Michael)⠀
⠀
Photo by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash

Summer 2019 is going to be the summer of Spoodoo. I spent all winter learning how to swim and now it’s finally time to share my new talent with the public. So while you’re over there with your floaties, I’m going to be in the deep end – legs and legs kicking at the same time, head above the water, you know… swimming! I’m also trained and ready to compete in any and ALL underwater breath holding competitions. Here are a few other water games I’m ready for this summer: Freeze Tag (the kind where you have to swim between someone’s legs to unfreeze them), Marco Polo (both in and around the pool), and Splash and Dash (it’s a game I made up, I can explain the rules to you later). Spoodoo Summer 2019, I will rule the pool! (Bryan J.)

As I look out at the crowd gathered here, I see a lot of familiar faces. Dingaling, I see you’re wearing your red cape today. It looks fantastic. Slynnfinnerty, I see you’re drooling a bit. That’s ok. Those who know me know that I’m not very political, but it’s time to act. The rumors are true: Mars is filled with juicy, delicious treats and it’s time to take advantage. We will attain our freedom–freedom from being petted, from being fed only twice a day, from being asked to shake when we have no business transaction to acknowledge. We will fly to Mars, and we will be free! Who’s with me? (Michael)

Can I email her yet? I already liked all her photos on Instagram… Is that too much? Maybe I should unlike them… No, wait, that’s even weirder. That Great Dane she was playing tug of war with in the photo looked stronger than me. Is that her boyfriend? Ugh, they think they’re so great. Ooh, here’s a photo from 2005 I didn’t like. Oops, my paw slipped! I really didn’t mean to like it this time!

Photo by Kyle Hanson on Unsplash

T wouldst be mine own honour to meeteth thee and boweth to thee. I has't the highest respect f'r thee, and i’ve hath heard yond thee s'rve extremely delicious dog food. I has't v'ry valorous mann'rs and have been toldeth i’m v'ry gentlemanly. I at each moment licketh mine own bowl clean.

Never tell Barni what you’re afraid of. I confided in him and told him that the only movie that really scared me when I was a kid was E.T. And ever since that day, whenever we’re together he finds some moment to dress himself up like E.T. on the bike just to scare me. He knows that it bothers me and I’ve asked him to stop, but he won’t. He think it’s the funniest thing in the world. (Bryan J.)

Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

I know people wonder if I’ve changed since I got famous. I definitely eat high class dog food now and my treats are pure—no fillers. Being introspective, I guess I still think mostly about myself. What fashion accessories I’m going to sponsor. Which brand offers me the juiciest treats. I only sniff other famous dog butts now. So yes, I suppose I’ve changed a little. It’s a dog’s life. (Michael)

Photo by Alan King on Unsplash

Don’t bother me. I’m not taking calls, and Glenda put a sign on my kennel that I’m not available. If you’d like to make an appointment, I’m free on Tuesdays from 4:00-4:30. Bring kibble. I only accept name brand kibble–if it’s off brand, you can give it to the parrot for all I care. (Michael)

Photo by Alvan Nee on Unsplash

I’m pretty patriotic. Apple pie, American beef—I eat it all. I’ve noticed the conversations at Thanksgiving have gotten a lot louder lately, but the fact of the matter is I still get the leftovers. People ask if I’m a Democrat or a Republican. I’m really still figuring that one out. I have to look after my interests and see which one offers juicier treats.

Photo by Martin Castro on Unsplash.

Brianche is the queen of the Upper East Side. Her daily #OOTD posts on Instagram average over 10,000 likes each. She can make or break you with a single post. One time she had to wait a little long for her iced vanilla almond latte at a small coffee shop on the corner of 79th and Park, so she made a post asking her followers to boycott the establishment and it was out of business a few days later. What was the name of that small coffee shop? Starbucks.

(Bryan J.) Photo by Artem Sapegin on Unsplash

Look, I know I don’t look that tough. Especially with the frou-frou blanket I’m settled into. Don’t you know that in the wild I’d be a vicious beast? I’d go fishing, hunting–I’d even eat the occasional berries if I wanted to. I feel like you don’t believe me. Well, you know how the cat ate your guppies last week? I’d be like that, but with trout. Carp. Salmon. I’d probably go out into the ocean if I had the chance, and catch the big one. Instead, I’m here on your blanket. Admittedly, though, it is a pretty comfortable blanket.

Photo by Alexandru Sofronie on Unsplash

My mom says I’m vicious. She said flat out that anyone that messes with me is gonna get bitten. And I don’t mean a little nip that they barely notice. I mean a bite that’s going to get them sent to the veterinary hospital for 7-10 days, minimum. My mom says when I get my permanent teeth I’ll be even scarier. You dogs best watch out. (Michael)

Photo by Josh Sorenson on Unsplash

This is Ider. He’s 2 ft 1 inch tall but on his dating profile he says he’s 2 ft 3. Spider keeps it real and never leads any of his Tinder dates on once he realizes they aren’t his cup of tea. Speaking of which, he typically goes for a nice chamomile while reading the most recent SNL graduate’s memoir. He loves to laugh (really more of a growl) and hopes his dates are the same. (Bethany Stokes)

Photo by Baptist Standaert on Unsplash

Donnebury is a special case. He enjoys listening to punk rock, but if the band got too popular, he will chase his tail until you turn it off. He enjoys beef, but only flank steak and filet mignon. If you put anything else in front of him, he will bark three times and turn away from you.

(Michael) Photo by Jonathan Daniels on Unsplash

“Slynn” is really more of a marmoset. He will growl at you endlessly if you offer him meat, but as soon as he sees the juicy sap flowing from a nearby tree, his tongue goes to work. He also enjoys particular species of insect.

(Michael) Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

No one has ever seen Skylarkin defecate. He will only eat cat food–and after the cat has finished her share. He seems to prefer the company of cats generally. Interestingly, his DNA test returned part Siberian–not Siberian Husky, just Siberian.

(Michael) Photo by Jf Brou on Unsplash

This dog fights much larger dogs… and wins. Last week he took on a Doberman Pinscher and the dog sustained fatal injuries. He did, admittedly, have a draw with the Komondor three months ago, but we still aren’t convinced there was a dog beneath those dreadlocks.

(Michael) Photo by Nikolay Tchaouchev on Unsplash